Tonight is the official opening of the 2012 London Olympics, which I’m excited for, because the Summer Olympics are the real Olympics and the Winter “Olympics” don’t even kind of hold a candle to them.
What you might not know is that the Barriolympics start tonight as well. Played in Latin barrios near you, they’re not terribly well-known to the general public – they don’t even make it on TV. Pa’ que tu lo sepas, here are a few of the Barriolympic events I look forward to.
Barriolympic stickball is fast-pitch, against a chalked up schoolyard wall. Strict regulation is enforced to make sure that broomsticks aren’t corked, and that performance-enhancing drugs like Malta Goya are kept out of the game.
Like racquetball, with your hands. Training starts in childhood, primarily in the Lower East Side.
…because it wouldn’t be a Latino gathering without that guy telling everyone how soccer is better than everything.
Of course this is here.
Often called the “pastelethon” by Caribbean competitors, this triathlon consists of three events: masa making, filling making, and packing (folding and tying). This is generally considered to be the most delicious game in the Barriolympics.
Similar to the discus, with points awarded for distance and for accuracy. The games officially stopped using live children as targets in 1996, when young Felipe Ortega lost an eye to the gold medal winner; it should be noted, however, that Felipe never sass-talked her again.
Athletes tie together a pair of sneakers by the laces and throw them, with the aim of getting them to hang over electrical and telephone wires overhead. Wires at different heights are given different point values.
Like archery, but way the fuck scarier, like if The Hunger Games starred Danny Trejo as Katniss.
BORDER POLE-VAULT and BORDER HIGH-JUMP
Fairly self explanatory. Mexico has dominated this sport for decades. Unfortunately their entire team goes missing after every games, as has every Cuban 90 Mile Freestlye swimmer since the 80’s.
This is Olympic curling
This is Barriolympic curling.